The thing about hope...

Romans 12:15 commands us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."  These powerful words that are so selflessly written but so hard to follow.  (Our pastor preached an awesome sermon on this today...check it out at NEBC) I know for me I get wrapped up in my own life and either pretend to rejoice with others or totally avoid the whole situation.  Sometimes I think pretending and/or avoidance is a survival technique or at best my defense mechanism.  This doesn't make it right or at all the "Christian thing to do".  Deep down I am truly happy for others who have children, are currently pregnant, or who become pregnant.  All the while it is still extremely hard to watch, so selfishly I want others to weep with me and put aside there own rejoicing.  This is so tacky and wrong!  As I studied this verse, I am sad to say but happy that conviction washed over me.  Sad because it hurts me deeply to disappoint God but glad that it can be pointed out and I can change!  We get so wrapped up into doing what we are "supposed" to do for others, I think we lose sight of  doing things for the real reasons...genuine love, compassion, and concern for others.  I hear God saying..."so Jennifer if you are a Christian why are you acting like this"  Hmmmm good question!  I am a Christian who needs to focus on fixing this.  It really all boils down to acting in the flesh which is what our natural reaction to things are.  We need to be supernatural and let God work on us and through us. 

All that said, it takes me back to hope...certainty that God is in control!  Romans 5:1-4 says, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance; and perseverance , character, and character, hope.

The second failed IVF cycle taught me hope.  The listening that I learned with the first cycle was sure to help me with the second or so I thought.  We were blessed to be part of a "study" for the first cycle so most of the expense was not our responsibility.  The second one, not so much.  This added to the stress of an already stressful situation.  Fortunately we were prepared and God allowed us to have the financial ability to proceed.  I called myself "listening" through this one and things did go much smoother.  I was able to have medications after implantation which was not allowed through the study.  We were sure this would be that magic fix!  To our surprise and devastation our precious embryos didn't stick despite the glue.  We used to joke that this was just super glue (priced at $300 extra dollars might I add) but Byron always said Gorilla glue would work better...who knows maybe he was right.  Once again we found ourselves picking up the pieces of our broken hearts dangerously teetering on the verge of anger.  Ugly feelings consumed me and it was so hard to see anything positive.  Life was just simply unfair!

God puts just the right people in places at just the right moments if you haven't noticed.  This whole time I had a friend struggling with fertility issues and decisions as well.  She had been doing a procedure called Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  She was told that IVF would be her best option.  Wow...the doors God opens.  While she had helped me for so long by listening and gentle guidance, it was my turn to help her.  She had no idea the process of IVF and I knew it all too well.  I was able to support her and truly know what she was experiencing all the while telling her what to expect.  It gave me a chance to focus on somebody besides myself which always puts a different light on things.  As I hoped and prayed for our next cycle to be successful, I was reminded that God is in control even when we think things are uncontrollable.  He does have our best interest at heart all the time and continues to take care of us even when we don't realize he is doing it.

I continue to have hope...certainty that God is in control.  I feel his presence in everything I do.  While we all have our "moments", the only thing that justifies our true being is how we choose to respond to those times of weakness.  I know his plan for our family is being perfectly perfected and will be meticulously executed in his timing :)

Love,
Jennifer 

The thing about Faith...

So tonight I had myself one big pity party!  After trying on my own to take my thoughts captive and pack my truth train with encouraging Bible versus (this is something I learned from an amazing Godly woman...check out her blog by clicking the red words), I did what any other woman would do...phoned a friend for reinforcement.  She quickly recognized I was having a melt down and immediately began confirming that my feelings were normal according to how God made us in the flesh.  She acknowledged my feelings but at the same time tried to redirect me to where my focus should be...asking God to take it away or walk with me through it.  She is such a sweet friend whose prayers I felt wrap around me the minute I phoned.  Her words, "Do NOT let Satan have victory..."  replayed in my head and finally began to sink in. The evil emotions of wondering when it will be "my time", jealousy, pride that I deserve something more than others, etc  began to fade.  Just like other times when all else fails I cling to Jeremiah 29:11...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

It was such a roller coaster experience that it took me back in time.  I thought I would share a little bit about the Bittersweet Blessings in my life.  Please know that I am where I am because of what God has carried me through.  However, it's not always a pretty picture!

My husband and I have had 4 failed IVF attempts.  While this was devastating, we grew spiritually with each one.  I am so eternally grateful for the chance to not only look back and see how I've grown but to be able to share it in hopes that it will help someone else. 

The first failed IVF cycle taught me to really listen.  I can look back now and tell you that I know for sure, without a shadow of a doubt,  that the first time we went through with the procedure, it was not God's plan or timing.  I knew that it didn't feel right but was not far enough along in my spiritual walk to really get all God's clues.  Looking back, I learned what is was like to hear the holy spirit guiding my decisions and direction.  I learned that the "yukky" feeling in my stomach was God's way of physically showing me that something was wrong.  I remember commenting to my mother in law that, "I don't think it is going to work because it just doesn't feel like what I am supposed to be doing".  So often we know things in our minds but our hearts forget to listen and follow.

All that said, the picture at the top sums it up...everything in God's time is perfect!  While I am not completely healed from the emotional after effects of last night, I am looking through different eyes this morning.  I am diligently going back to what I learned...listening to God's wisdom and direction all the while praying for peace in my heart.