So tonight I had myself one big pity party! After trying on my own to take my thoughts captive and pack my truth train with encouraging Bible versus (this is something I learned from an amazing Godly woman...check out her blog by clicking the red words), I did what any other woman would do...phoned a friend for reinforcement. She quickly recognized I was having a melt down and immediately began confirming that my feelings were normal according to how God made us in the flesh. She acknowledged my feelings but at the same time tried to redirect me to where my focus should be...asking God to take it away or walk with me through it. She is such a sweet friend whose prayers I felt wrap around me the minute I phoned. Her words, "Do NOT let Satan have victory..." replayed in my head and finally began to sink in. The evil emotions of wondering when it will be "my time", jealousy, pride that I deserve something more than others, etc began to fade. Just like other times when all else fails I cling to Jeremiah 29:11...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
It was such a roller coaster experience that it took me back in time. I thought I would share a little bit about the Bittersweet Blessings in my life. Please know that I am where I am because of what God has carried me through. However, it's not always a pretty picture!
My husband and I have had 4 failed IVF attempts. While this was devastating, we grew spiritually with each one. I am so eternally grateful for the chance to not only look back and see how I've grown but to be able to share it in hopes that it will help someone else.
The first failed IVF cycle taught me to really listen. I can look back now and tell you that I know for sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that the first time we went through with the procedure, it was not God's plan or timing. I knew that it didn't feel right but was not far enough along in my spiritual walk to really get all God's clues. Looking back, I learned what is was like to hear the holy spirit guiding my decisions and direction. I learned that the "yukky" feeling in my stomach was God's way of physically showing me that something was wrong. I remember commenting to my mother in law that, "I don't think it is going to work because it just doesn't feel like what I am supposed to be doing". So often we know things in our minds but our hearts forget to listen and follow.
All that said, the picture at the top sums it up...everything in God's time is perfect! While I am not completely healed from the emotional after effects of last night, I am looking through different eyes this morning. I am diligently going back to what I learned...listening to God's wisdom and direction all the while praying for peace in my heart.
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