Some of you might understand my exact situation and others have their own idol that controls every ounce of our being. Either way, "feelings" such as bitterness, anger, wrath, evil speaking, etc can consume a person if we let it. God commands us to put these feelings away from you. Easier said than done! For so long I lived with jealous, bitter emotions that ate at me from the inside out. I couldn't even look at pregnant women much less be happy for them. I was so judgemental and condemning because after all...I deserve way more than others right? Completely wrong!!! As these thoughts took hold, having a baby became my idol that I worshipped like no other. It breaks my heart to look back and see that I put such things before God. It is only by God's grace that I overcame this vicious cycle I was wrapped up in.
The third failed IVF cycle taught me trust. Emotions & stress were high going into round 3. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to try again. We mustered up the courage to once again put our hearts on the line and began doctor visits, shots, pills, and crazy sleepless nights of emotional roller coasters. Third times a charm right? I went in for my last visit before transfer only to be met with nothing I would, could, or should have ever had to imagine. I remember going into the consultation room...nothing new to me...I just thought we were going to schedule the procedure and sign some papers. The doctor came in holding a blue folder looking just as distraught as I felt and said the words that will forever be etched in my memory..."well I think it's time we are honest, you will never be able to carry your own child". She matter of factly moved onto the next options while my head was still swimming with thoughts of, "did I hear her right", "oh my word did she just say that", "honest, really now? we have been doing this for years...what you weren't honest before" etc. I tried to keep my composure and listen as she was rambling something about a gestational carrier or surrogate or adoption while I really wanted to run screaming out of the office like a wild banchie. (Please know that I am not at all unhappy with my doctor, it was just extreme traumatic shock.) We are not opposed to either option above it was just complete unbelief that we were at that point in our life. To make matters worse, I had gone for this visit alone thinking everything was fine. I left the consultation room in sheer survival mode. I remember coming out to the nurses looking at me as I was carrying the "blue" folder which I know now means total devastation to a woman's dream of feeling that sweet baby inside her. I just thought that I was crazy with emotions before, but this was a meltdown of epic proportion. My husband couldn't even understand what I was saying when I called him hysterically crying and screaming. When he finally did, he offered to come home, which for those of you who know him is big because he doesn't miss work for just anything. I have said many times that honestly I don't now how I made it home. This statement is no longer a wonder to me...God carried me all the way!
The doctor mentioned wanting to try a "natural cycle" which meant no meds just let my body work and then they would implant. I was like...really? we have been going at this for years now with high powered drugs and blood work out the kazoo and you just want to stick them in the oven cold turkey??? I left without much hope of this procedure even ever happening. Several days later, the office called as I was having lunch with a sweet friend, to report that all my labs looked great and we could go forward. I was completely amazed. After much heart to heart between the two of us and with God, we decided to carry on and try again.
I came to trust the Lord with all my heart because I had exhausted all measures of attacking this on my own. Sounds a little backwards huh? Oh but it is so true of how we live our lives...only calling on God as a last resort. I poured myself into my Bible, searching for some clue to make sense of a senseless situation. Was this all a joke on me so that I would completely turn to God? Although I do think God has a sense of humor, I know that it was no joke, only a perfect plan to make me the Christian I am today.
As if all this wasn't enough, I found out I was going to be an aunt :) My sister was pregnant...
I know most of you are thinking oh my word I bet she lost it and I did for awhile. It's not that I wasn't happy for my sister, I was just wrapped up in sadness for myself. 7-8 months passed before I was emotionally stable enough to even be around my family without crying or major meltdowns afterwards. I say this not to make you feel sorry for me but for the ones going through trials...it's okay to be sad and deal with it however you need to but by all means DON'T leave God out. That being said, I wouldn't trade this bittersweet blessing for anything in the world...not even a child of my own! Shelby is my heart...
The thing about trust...do it even when you don't want to! Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding". I may never know why we face such difficult times but I do know that everything will be fine. If God's will for me is to never have earthly children then I am secure in knowing that I will remain in him no matter what...complete trust!
On a side note I heard the cutest saying from Beth Moore..."Behold the moment instead of unweaving the rainbow" I am currently focusing on applying this principle to my life by embracing God's truth in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. So many times I unweave the rainbow God has given me and focus on what I don't have instead of the blessings right before me. All prayers are welcome and much appreciated!
Love,
Jennifer
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