Sunday, January 25, 2015

Beautiful Ashes...

I have to be honest with you, I have not written because I have been guilt ridden that God gave me what I longed for and somehow that would make me less in your eyes.  This blog has weighed heavy on my heart lately and I finally decided that my original mission is still my mission.  I am called to comfort those who struggle with infertility and I need to start obeying.  The only way I know to do this is to relate it to my story.  So here it goes...I am going to fill in the two and a half year gap for you!

A sweet friend once told me to listen to "Beauty will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  I did listen and took it to heart. It has only been recently that I fully understood what she meant...

That friend of mine...She's a smart one!  She was able to help me stop and listen to God when I was recklessly driving my own boat and sinking terribly.  

If angels are among us, this sweet girl would be mine.  She has my heart in a way I didn't think was possible.  She was the beginning of my healing process despite my doubt of even being able to see her.  God gave me the strength to be the aunt I should be without all the jealous emotions and constant reminders of my own struggles.  He gave me Grace and Forgiveness when I needed it most.  He allowed me to love this little one with all my heart instead of just half.  Jaxson would not be possible without her being here first.  This week we celebrate her birthday and I could not be more thankful she is here with us!

Our "normal" pregnancy ended in this sweet, adorable bundle of pure joy!  Jaxson was born April 15, 2013 and it has been a whirlwind ever since.


I use the term "normal" very loosely because it was everything but that.  There will never be words to say how deeply grateful we are to my sister and her husband for allowing God to use them in such a mighty way.  The bond that Jaxson and Carlea share is indescribable and warms my heart every time I see them together.  Jaxson loves Doug too.  As an infant, he would turn to find him everytime he heard his voice.  Now, he just constantly asks about him..."Doug at home", "Doug at work"?  It is the sweetest thing ever! 

Back to my story...Each doctor appointment was filled with joy and anxiety.  You see, I never really thought we would get to the end with a baby.  I NEVER doubted God's ability to provide.  However, I convinced myself that my story was stronger without a child and that was God's plan for my life.  While that may have been true, I was mentally prepared to deal with it.  An actual baby on the other hand, well, that was way more emotional and draining that I ever imagined!  

When he was born, it seemed like forever before he took a breath.  Carlea in her exhausted state must have thought the same thing because she leaned up and said, "come on breathe bubba".  It was all the comfort he needed.  The simple sound of her voice broke his silence.  What I remember most about the birth is Carlea's face.  The physical pain she was in was almost too much for me to bear.  It was all for me and I couldn't help or take it away.  She is such a strong person in every way I can think of.  Jaxson was in the NICU which was something I never expected or much less thought of.  Having to go home without him was my biggest fear.  Somehow but not surprisingly, God brought me through that too. The past year and a half have gone by so fast!   


To those of you who are going through things...whatever they may be, cling to these verses.  Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit".  Psalms 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds".  These could not be more true for me.  I pray I will be open to God's will and how he is going to use me to help you.


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