The thing about trust...

I just recently came across these verses and Oh My! did the Lord use it to speak to me in mighty ways!  Ephesians 4:31-32 "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." 

Some of you might understand my exact situation and others have their own idol that controls every ounce of our being.  Either way, "feelings" such as bitterness, anger, wrath, evil speaking, etc can consume a person if we let it.  God commands us to put these feelings away from you.  Easier said than done!   For so long I lived with jealous, bitter emotions that ate at me from the inside out.  I couldn't even look at pregnant women much less be happy for them.  I was so judgemental and condemning because after all...I deserve way more than others right?  Completely wrong!!!  As these thoughts took hold, having a baby became my idol that I worshipped like no other.  It breaks my heart to look back and see that I put such things before God.  It is only by God's grace that I overcame this vicious cycle I was wrapped up in. 


The third failed IVF cycle taught me trust.  Emotions & stress were high going into round 3.  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to try again.  We mustered up the courage to once again put our hearts on the line and began doctor visits, shots, pills, and crazy sleepless nights of emotional roller coasters.  Third times a charm right?  I went in for my last visit before transfer only to be met with nothing I would, could, or should have ever had to imagine.  I remember going into the consultation room...nothing new to me...I just thought we were going to schedule the procedure and sign some papers.  The doctor came in holding a blue folder looking just as distraught as I felt and said the words that will forever be etched in my memory..."well I think it's time we are honest, you will never be able to carry your own child".  She matter of factly moved onto the next options while my head was still swimming with thoughts of, "did I hear her right", "oh my word did she just say that", "honest, really now? we have been doing this for years...what you weren't honest before" etc.  I tried to keep my composure and listen as she was rambling something about a gestational carrier or surrogate or adoption while I really wanted to run screaming out of the office like a wild banchie.  (Please know that I am not at all unhappy with my doctor, it was just extreme traumatic shock.)  We are not opposed to either option above it was just complete unbelief that we were at that point in our life. To make matters worse, I had gone for this visit alone thinking everything was fine.  I left the consultation room in sheer survival mode.  I remember coming out to the nurses looking at me as I was carrying the "blue" folder which I know now means total devastation to a woman's dream of feeling that sweet baby inside her.  I just thought that I was crazy with emotions before, but this was a meltdown of epic proportion.  My husband couldn't even understand what I was saying when I called him hysterically crying and screaming.  When he finally did, he offered to come home, which for those of you who know him is big because he doesn't miss work for just anything.   I have said many times that honestly I don't now how I made it home. This statement is no longer a wonder to me...God carried me all the way! 

The doctor mentioned wanting to try a "natural cycle"  which meant no meds just let my body work and then they would implant.  I was like...really?  we have been going at this for years now with high powered drugs and blood work out the kazoo and you just want to stick them in the oven cold turkey???  I left without much hope of this procedure even ever happening.  Several days later, the office called as I was having lunch with a sweet friend, to report that all my labs looked great and we could go forward.  I was completely amazed.  After much heart to heart between the two of us and with God, we decided to carry on and try again.

I came to trust the Lord with all my heart because I had exhausted all measures of attacking this on my own.  Sounds a little backwards huh?  Oh but it is so true of how we live our lives...only calling on God as a last resort.  I poured myself into my Bible, searching for some clue to make sense of a senseless situation.  Was this all a joke on me so that I would completely turn to God?  Although I do think God has a sense of humor, I know that it was no joke, only a perfect plan to make me the Christian I am today.  

As if all this wasn't enough, I found out I was going to be an aunt :)  My sister was pregnant...
I know most of you are thinking oh my word I bet she lost it and I did for awhile.  It's not that I wasn't happy for my sister, I was just wrapped up in sadness for myself.  7-8 months passed before I was emotionally stable enough to even be around my family without crying or major meltdowns afterwards.  I say this not to make you feel sorry for me but for the ones going through trials...it's okay to be sad and deal with it however you need to but by all means DON'T leave God out.  That being said,  I wouldn't trade this bittersweet blessing for anything in the world...not even a child of my own!  Shelby is my heart...

Being an aunt is nothing new to me...we have a precious nephew, Aiden that is about to turn 4 in December.  The timing of our second gift from God was what made it so hard.  Looking back now, all of this is just water under the bridge.  We have also had two new additions to our family, Madelyn and Jillian...post & pics to come later.   

The thing about trust...do it even when you don't want to!  Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding".  I may never know why we face such difficult times but I do know that everything will be fine.  If God's will for me is to never have earthly children then I am secure in knowing that I will remain in him no matter what...complete trust!

On a side note I heard the cutest saying from Beth Moore..."Behold the moment instead of unweaving the rainbow"  I am currently focusing on applying this principle to my life by embracing God's truth in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  So many times I unweave the rainbow God has given me and focus on what I don't have instead of the blessings right before me.  All prayers are welcome and much appreciated!

Love,
Jennifer

The thing about hope...

Romans 12:15 commands us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."  These powerful words that are so selflessly written but so hard to follow.  (Our pastor preached an awesome sermon on this today...check it out at NEBC) I know for me I get wrapped up in my own life and either pretend to rejoice with others or totally avoid the whole situation.  Sometimes I think pretending and/or avoidance is a survival technique or at best my defense mechanism.  This doesn't make it right or at all the "Christian thing to do".  Deep down I am truly happy for others who have children, are currently pregnant, or who become pregnant.  All the while it is still extremely hard to watch, so selfishly I want others to weep with me and put aside there own rejoicing.  This is so tacky and wrong!  As I studied this verse, I am sad to say but happy that conviction washed over me.  Sad because it hurts me deeply to disappoint God but glad that it can be pointed out and I can change!  We get so wrapped up into doing what we are "supposed" to do for others, I think we lose sight of  doing things for the real reasons...genuine love, compassion, and concern for others.  I hear God saying..."so Jennifer if you are a Christian why are you acting like this"  Hmmmm good question!  I am a Christian who needs to focus on fixing this.  It really all boils down to acting in the flesh which is what our natural reaction to things are.  We need to be supernatural and let God work on us and through us. 

All that said, it takes me back to hope...certainty that God is in control!  Romans 5:1-4 says, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance; and perseverance , character, and character, hope.

The second failed IVF cycle taught me hope.  The listening that I learned with the first cycle was sure to help me with the second or so I thought.  We were blessed to be part of a "study" for the first cycle so most of the expense was not our responsibility.  The second one, not so much.  This added to the stress of an already stressful situation.  Fortunately we were prepared and God allowed us to have the financial ability to proceed.  I called myself "listening" through this one and things did go much smoother.  I was able to have medications after implantation which was not allowed through the study.  We were sure this would be that magic fix!  To our surprise and devastation our precious embryos didn't stick despite the glue.  We used to joke that this was just super glue (priced at $300 extra dollars might I add) but Byron always said Gorilla glue would work better...who knows maybe he was right.  Once again we found ourselves picking up the pieces of our broken hearts dangerously teetering on the verge of anger.  Ugly feelings consumed me and it was so hard to see anything positive.  Life was just simply unfair!

God puts just the right people in places at just the right moments if you haven't noticed.  This whole time I had a friend struggling with fertility issues and decisions as well.  She had been doing a procedure called Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  She was told that IVF would be her best option.  Wow...the doors God opens.  While she had helped me for so long by listening and gentle guidance, it was my turn to help her.  She had no idea the process of IVF and I knew it all too well.  I was able to support her and truly know what she was experiencing all the while telling her what to expect.  It gave me a chance to focus on somebody besides myself which always puts a different light on things.  As I hoped and prayed for our next cycle to be successful, I was reminded that God is in control even when we think things are uncontrollable.  He does have our best interest at heart all the time and continues to take care of us even when we don't realize he is doing it.

I continue to have hope...certainty that God is in control.  I feel his presence in everything I do.  While we all have our "moments", the only thing that justifies our true being is how we choose to respond to those times of weakness.  I know his plan for our family is being perfectly perfected and will be meticulously executed in his timing :)

Love,
Jennifer 

The thing about Faith...

So tonight I had myself one big pity party!  After trying on my own to take my thoughts captive and pack my truth train with encouraging Bible versus (this is something I learned from an amazing Godly woman...check out her blog by clicking the red words), I did what any other woman would do...phoned a friend for reinforcement.  She quickly recognized I was having a melt down and immediately began confirming that my feelings were normal according to how God made us in the flesh.  She acknowledged my feelings but at the same time tried to redirect me to where my focus should be...asking God to take it away or walk with me through it.  She is such a sweet friend whose prayers I felt wrap around me the minute I phoned.  Her words, "Do NOT let Satan have victory..."  replayed in my head and finally began to sink in. The evil emotions of wondering when it will be "my time", jealousy, pride that I deserve something more than others, etc  began to fade.  Just like other times when all else fails I cling to Jeremiah 29:11...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

It was such a roller coaster experience that it took me back in time.  I thought I would share a little bit about the Bittersweet Blessings in my life.  Please know that I am where I am because of what God has carried me through.  However, it's not always a pretty picture!

My husband and I have had 4 failed IVF attempts.  While this was devastating, we grew spiritually with each one.  I am so eternally grateful for the chance to not only look back and see how I've grown but to be able to share it in hopes that it will help someone else. 

The first failed IVF cycle taught me to really listen.  I can look back now and tell you that I know for sure, without a shadow of a doubt,  that the first time we went through with the procedure, it was not God's plan or timing.  I knew that it didn't feel right but was not far enough along in my spiritual walk to really get all God's clues.  Looking back, I learned what is was like to hear the holy spirit guiding my decisions and direction.  I learned that the "yukky" feeling in my stomach was God's way of physically showing me that something was wrong.  I remember commenting to my mother in law that, "I don't think it is going to work because it just doesn't feel like what I am supposed to be doing".  So often we know things in our minds but our hearts forget to listen and follow.

All that said, the picture at the top sums it up...everything in God's time is perfect!  While I am not completely healed from the emotional after effects of last night, I am looking through different eyes this morning.  I am diligently going back to what I learned...listening to God's wisdom and direction all the while praying for peace in my heart. 

 

Waiting...

I'm sure we have all done our fair share of waiting!  We wait on big things, small things, things that we don't really need but want, things that really weren't worth the wait to being with, etc.  When I think of waiting, God's grace always comes to mind.  Sometimes I felt like I was waiting on God's grace...what he freely gives us that we don't deserve.  Through the trials of life and listening to our awesome preacher, I came to the realization that I was selfishly waiting on God to give me what I wanted, not necessarily being concerned with his will, just calling it grace because it sounded good. 

Grace isn't something we wait on.  If you know the Lord, it's already there...a free, timeless gift from God! 

My husband and I have experienced lots of waiting in our lives.  We began dating in 1996.  After waiting to finish school, we were finially married in 2001.  We agreed to wait until we could "afford" children.  Ha! I'm quite sure this never happens :)  We officially began "trying" to have children in 2006.  We never imagined what a wait this would be!  My grandparents were taking us on a fabulous cruise in August of that year...all 22 of us together on a ship was the trip of a lifetime in every way you can imagine!  I can remember thinking oh goodness will I still be able to go because surely I will be about 6 month pregnant by then.  Little did I know that my journey God had perfectly planned would be long and tedious. 

I remember a conversation with a sweet friend around our 10 year class reunion time...she has struggled with infertility for a while and was sure I needed to see a specialist or at least lose my "everything will be fine attitude" and take charge of the situation.  But you see I was in complete denial that there was anything wrong on top of the fact I was scared because deep down, I knew things weren't right.  It saddens me to say but at this point, God's will for my life never entered into any of my actions or our decisions.  I now know how deeply that must have hurt him.  I am somewhat embarrassed to say this but feel that it is so much part of everyday life.  We only turn to God when we need him to do something for us.  Faith is an area that both my husband and I have grown tremendously in but not without God's guidance. 

For most of you who really know me, I can be somewhat of a control freak so Faith was something I knew I was "suppose" to have but it was so beyond my nature that I literally had inside battles of what I knew I needed to do versus what my brain wanted to do.  I can look back now and laugh because no matter how much control I thought I had, I had NONE!  So the story goes on...I took control(on my own without consultation with God)  and eventually went to see a specialist, Dr. Vicki Schnell at Center of Reproductive Medicine (CORM).  She and her staff are wonderful people!  More details about our journey to come...   

I once heard a speaker say that everyone is always waiting on something...waiting on an answer from God, waiting on a storm to pass, waiting on the next difficult time in life to come, or the inevitable wait between the trials of life.  She gave us a beautiful prayer to help endure the wait.  I hope it blesses you as much as it has me.

Be exalted oh God, above the highest heavens

May Your glory shine over all the earth.

(Ps 57:5)

My heart is confident in in You, O God, my heart is confident.

No wonder I sing your praises.

(Ps 57:7)

Listen to my prayer, Oh God. Pay attention to my plea.

(Ps 54:2)

You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,

for You, O God, are my fortress.

(Ps 59:9)

I pour out my complaints before Him[You] and tell Him[You]

all my troubles.   When I am overwhelmed

You alone know the way I should turn.

(Ps 142:2-3)

[I] pray to you O, Lord.  I say "You are my place of refuge. 

You are all I really want in life."

(Ps 142:5)

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in

your bottle.  You have recoded each one in your book.

(Ps 56:8)

Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt.  Purify me from my sin.

(Ps 51:1b-2)

Create in me a clean heart, O God.  Renew a loyal spirit with me.

(Ps 51:10)

restore to me the joy of my salvation and make me willing

to obey you.

(Ps 51:12)

So now I cal walk in your presence, O God, in

Your life-giving light.

(Ps 56:13)





What defines us?

For a long time, I defined myself as "the unstable crazy lady who can't get pregnant".  Some of you who understand the process of fertility treatments can totally understand.  For those of you who are new to the wonderful world of struggling to become pregnant...welcome to my world of hormonal issues.  During one of the many endless hormone rages, my very patient husband once said he was sure my head was about to spin!  The only way I could put into words how I felt was that I got on my own nerves...can you imagine what everyone else was doing to me?

Never fear ladies there is hope.  Fertility no longer defines me!!  5 years later, I can look back and appreciate what we have been through.  God is always with you...even in the bad times.  I feel very fortunate that God has given me the chance to look back and see glimpses of why it is so important that I  struggle to become a mom.  I hope through this blog I can share my testimony in a way that it will comfort the ones in need, pick up the ones who are down, and most importantly strengthen your walk with the awesome God we serve.

Jennifer